she walks away, the sun goes down

I saw the Amy documentary in group today.  I broke slightly, sawing her body be stretchered underneath the burgundy sheet.  First the date on the screen, before the footage, before anything else—the day, the month, the year like your head being jarred.  A jolt, you know?  But psychological—more the nervousness or neurosis, when comes out the four with the flop and you have pocket fours.  Poker.  I knew what was coming, the final frame.  It felt good to cry, real.  I broke slightly.  It felt good to cry.  Sawing?  Idiot.  Feels good to laugh, to shake my head and laugh.  I put on my hoodie and wiped my tears, and they kept continuing, peaceful and soft—sweet, poignant, and determined.  It was listening to "Stronger than Me" that my mind wandered.  My insides began boiling.  I calmed myself down saying Amy was honest...not like that stuck up darwinist.  The elitist.  I don't judge Amy.  I don't have time.  The frame changes and it all comes back to me.

I could smell her when I came off the plane.  What a line, what a line.  Look at that line.  Ah, what a line!  Deserves something special to follow.  Here, get up.  Look at it from this angle.

I could smell her when I came off the plane. 

Now come around from the rear.  View it from the front.  Not a scratch, not a scratch.  What's that—what is that?  Ah, it's just a leaf.  It's winter, the wind, pesky crevices.  Come inside from the rain.

I could smell her when I came off the plane.  I know where I'll go.  Artbridge.  They thought I could meet a nice girl.  Sent me over to dry out, experience a new kind of crowd, he said.  I drank the entire time.  He was supposed to send for me at the VIP.  My clothes were the most important thing.  He was late picking me up.  His coughing was a revving engine in park.  He was driving.  He was subtle, cool, and blunt in his tone—a sharp, jaded eloquence that went with a man with his name.  He danced around with the citing officer, subtle, subtle enough anyway to remind him.  He said don't wait for me at the flight of stairs.  He was magnetic to me when he would speak, eliciting a childlike response from me.  He was magnetic to me except for his breathing—the only decrepit building on the strip his foil wanted for the price of water.  It was a sensitive, principled matter.  Once, Zidane had visited.  He had the photo somewheres; now it was Persians on their New Years.

Artbridge was a haven for her, frequented by artists, intellectuals, sons of politicians.  We had sat opposite one another at our table, pissy, I wondered about the male waiter.  I would get angry when she would look back at a license plate.  My cousins rejoiced and said they found out she had been seen with a Persian, after I told them I had dropped her.  What I dropped was some brown mustard on my white Hugo Boss sweater—the stain and my heartbeat like a jolt to the brain—that made me flip about walking in.  She didn't notice.  She was sitting with some people, probably smoking, the bitch.  Intellectual banter—I would probably have to punch a guy.  I had been there taking shots, frequenting the place in the afternoons, telling their bar to put on Amy.  The morning she walked in, I was staring down at my shot glass, leaning my head on my hand, then over to my glass of orange juice.  Mariam had been sitting at the table next to me, with good posture and a book held up to her face.  I remember noting this bitch looks pretentious.  Mariam doesn't even know who the fuck I am.  She was waiting for her friend.

I had a couple favorite bars—the one with elephant peanut shells carpeting the floor, and the lesbian one, the entrance to which were some stairs that led down to a cellar.  Groups would come in for beers and a bucket of crawfish at the western themed place.  I always said I was going to eat, but never got to it.  The barkeep lady knew my preference for Radiohead, and patrons who couldn't read the jukebox would have me find them some Pink Floyd picks.  In the afternoons, the owner would sit near me with the barkeep.  He was young and classy with a beard, and liked Moby.  I would get up and play "Natural Blues."  I said bye to them the last day and told them thanks, this is my favorite place and they poured me a drink.  Sometimes I'd pass out over night at hourly motels waiting for my lady of the night to arrive.  I was always bitter she got to love.  At the lesbian joint, I tried to win them over.  The one next to me was mean but cracked a smile and said where's your drink?  It was a small, dark place and I would drink and be the only one dancing.  There was another drunk; we would drink and misunderstand each other, go outside, then come back in together with an understanding and a sprained ankle.  

Then I looked up, and my head jarred like it was on a spring.  She walked in, smiling at Mariam, the bitch who had the book opened to her face like a cunt. She stopped short, frozen, and wheezed out a hello that turned into a whimper.  I lit my cigarette and gave her the cold glare.  My body was shaking slightly, uncontrollably; she was looking down, with tears in her beautiful eyes, standing before Mariam's table with her hands at her side.  We didn't say anything.  Mariam asked for the check, closed her cunt and ushered her out.  The waitress sensed something was off.  I told her with the most spite I could muster, Get me another shot.  I tipped her big and left to go eat khash.  

Sometimes I would take cabbies to bars with me, before we would go off to find the hookers.  I was running out of money and drank all my relatives' alcohol.  I gave my cousin counterfeit gifts; he wore the jacket with pride.  I couldn't leave because of all flights over Europe being grounded on account of the black clouds.  I was tired.  On my last ride, I had the cabbie take me around the city looking for women and brothels, but there weren't any options that early in the morning.  We scouted various hot spots and districts he suggested—we passed by the lake.  I thoroughly enjoyed shooting the breeze with him and we were friends, until about three hours later when he told me his price and we started fighting.  He pulled over and called his brother, who arrived later holding his five year old son by the hand.  He mediated a compromise that wouldn't leave me belligerent.  They left me in a village I didn't have a clue where it lay.  I had had it with crooked cabbies, broken streets and black outs.  I walked into a little mom and pop shack and had them lay me out a proper table.  They had a daughter who was not good looking.  I told them to bring out the Russian vodka, none of that domestic shit.

the here and now

Dear Friends,

I wanted to stop by and say hello.  The holidays are fast approaching and I'm writing to you in a letter, with pen and paper, on a page from my notebook, next to thinking patterns and consequential behaviors, and a writing assignment on lack of self-respect I've yet to tackle.  I know what you're thinking: who do I think is going to win it all this year?  Well, it looks like the Cowboys are primed to run through the NFC, but the Giants have got their number.  We're currently sitting first in our division, but we gotta make sure we beat the Ravens in the upcoming weeks.  I have a special place in my heart for Russell Wilson, the quarterback for the Seattle Seahawks, because he looks like Michael from The Wire.  My counselor gave me a book called Out of the Shadows—I've yet to read it.  It's nice to have two sports now, and dispel old bullshit anger.  I'm sorry I'm not more eloquent; although I'm finally feeling some hints of creativity.  

This place has helped me slow down my head.  They say my thoughts move so rapidly that it jumbles me up.  That made me feel really excited because they say that's the mark of a genius.  When I talk to women, I make sure to speak superfast, but sometimes I'll trip over my words.  Sometimes I'll find myself pacing about outside a group of people, and I know that makes me look really attractive.

I checked my stats recently.  There were no homeland pageviews.  I'm frustated that I can't help leave room for the fantasy.  I try to double-bag, but my hands hurt—opps, I sound like Brooks in my head.  What I like about my Steelers, other than the emblem, the unsavory aftertaste of saying Rothslickburger, reminds me of our familiarity with another country, and that's a nice transition to help me hop back onto that pogo stick of life.  Again, I apologize for my syntax—I wrote that phrase in a more cohesive fashion in some notebook, some months back, but it doesn't really matter.

I have been feeling antagonistic as of late.  In groups, I felt a nagging compulsion to tell people that I'm better than them.  It's a defense mechanism my mind uses when I think people ignore me or dismiss my input in a crowd, but it ends up leaving me disconnected from everybody; and the things I thought I felt, they were never even there.   I guess therein lies the problematic thinking.  I told my therapist about Rachel, although I don't think either of us understands it.  When I look at a picture of her, I feel like my mom does looking at that photo of Oreo.

Something strange happened that fought off the irritability which usually starts the relapse cycle.  I shared at a meeting that I had been living in a bubble, wherein I was this humble hero in my own narrative, but I don't even like you.  People came up to me and told me they felt the same.  In group, we meditated and Sarah asked us to write what the meditation meant to us.  I wrote that meditation is stupid and yoga people are snobs and they only use yoga to be flexible while they fornicate, and it was received so warmly by everyone in the group.  They laughed and said what a good writer I am and I didn't know what to do with myself, as I only read it out of spite to tell them that I'm better than them and that they can go fornicate.  A girl towards whom I felt instinctually embittered when she shared she used sex as a drug, approached me and revealed it helped her to hear my share.  I felt like such a shit.  I complimented her on her hair; it was purple.  She's probably in love with me now and I paced around her talking a mile a second.  I had her head spinning.  I can't afford to live in shame.  Self-pity for me breeds or excuses lack of self-respect, which leads to freedom, then everything is permitted.  I'm sorry Kristen Marie.

The next day, I listened and stayed on guard against judging anyone or straying from the moment.  At the next meeting that evening—we went because Kelly is such a beautiful speaker and a beautiful person—I sat in thought trying to compile a great share while she spoke.  That's my thing now, the here and now; when people smile at me, I know they like my blog.

My daydreams from years ago are coming back, and I'm so curious and intrigued by it, that I indulge them like when I was a kid.  I wrote that day in group, that when I was young, I would often daydream like Jonathan Brandis in Sidekicks.  In one series, I was a superhero crimefighter with my cousins, and we lived in a fortress under the forest and rode jeeps with an arsenal of weapons attached—mainly machine guns—and we each had a girlfriend.  I remember my girlfriend was sick, and I went to her house with hot soup in the rain, and we started having sex.  That was a wonderful night.  In another, I was a pro-wrestler.  I would design my trunks in my head.  I had a good build, but I was never buff.  The match in Tokyo against New Japan Pro-Wrestling really took its toll on my career.  That was one I lost.  But it was one of my classics.  We were both on the mat long after the bell.  

The stories would continue and develop as I went about my days.  And I noted that I've started doing that in group; only I can see the brain damage, as I get stuck in the same sequence over again and draw a blank.  I wrote that when we meditate, I see a coffee-table, and I know that someone needs to be body-slammed through it.  I know that when someone is sitting with his legs crossed like a four, what he's really asking for is a figure four leg-lock on the floor.  On the way back, I put on Xzibit's "Choke Me, Spank Me, Pull My Hair," because the guys here like rap—and that's the song Matt would blast in his V-tech outside of the dorms and he was so serious and now he's married.  I put the song on as sort of a joke—he's a good rapper—but I couldn't listen to it for too long when I started realizing the realities of a life that doesn't want me, and that's my sickness, and it all has to do with me.

I have frequent using dreams, and some babe dreams, sad and depressing.  I have nightmares about doomsday scenarios that make me appreciate the day that follows.  I like it here.  I think I'll follow the television curfew.  It forced me to open up my notebook; now I need to start reading again so that I can make picturesque allusions and get the intellectual nod at dinner parties. 

P.S.  What does gnarly mean?  I can't tell if it's good or bad.

i feel like such a fool*

here, maybe you can use this in my documentary.

laying bricks

Did you know I played basketball?  Well, I was a baller.  We didn't have no All Star Game in my league, but that tall Chinese kid definitely would have made the team.  The King of Lay ups, there was no stopping him once he got that rebound, darting all the way across the court to make that hoop.  He was like both Hakeem Olajuwon and Michael Jordan.  Everybody dreaded playing his team.  The scouts were interested, got in touch with his school and everything...I'm rambling.  This should be a soft piece; posting here usually spells out a doomsday package, the iceman cometh.  And it's weird, handwriting.  I'm handwriting this right now.  I get ahead of myself, handwriting--I misspell words to keep up with my thoughts, afraid I may forget, then I have to type it up oh it's a mess I've created.  Of course, I'll have to delete this part when I put it up.  So I guess that means previously you could measure my thoughts by how fast I fingertype on a smart phone?  More rambling.

My friends had joined the leagues.  Around that time and I know even earlier, I didn't have a sport to talk about with the others; I had one friend who loved wrestling, too, but the kids would make fun of us for it.  He would bring me old magazines, and I remember how secretive we were in class sliding the wrestling magazines out from his backpack.  During lunch they would talk about their teams, or a game that week where they would play each other.  I would feel left out and I said one time that I was on a Tae Kwon Do team; they quickly dismissed my statement as fast as I dismissed the enthusiasm with which I made the statement.  I wasn't on any team, in that regard; and as far as I know, they weren't sitting there clamped down on the toilet before practice.  Wipe that trout right off your face!  the teacher would say.

I had the basketball cards--pogs, I liked pogs--the Alonzo Mourning oversized jersey from the Charlotte Hornets--I mean, I was meant to say I was on a team, too.  I can't remember watching too many games.  I liked Grant Hill.  He was supposed to be the best, but he was always injured.  I liked his smile on his card standing in his Team USA jersey with the ball at his waist.  He seemed like a nice guy.  Based on my cards, I would decide who were my favorite players.  Sometimes the deck would have fictional players, like Kilgore Trout, I think, and those limited edition cards had a lot of value.  But sometimes I wouldn't know that player didn't actually exist.

After breaking my foot again got me out of karate--and sorry for the affront to martial arts, but that's just how I viewed the sport at the time.  So my folks let me sign up for the basketball leagues, where there, under the limelight--rather, the sunlight, under the sunlight at lunch I could proclaim I was on a team.  When our practice sessions for the season began, I was still on crutches.  My cousin from up north was visiting for about a week or so; he went to practice with me and it was a jovial atmosphere. The coaches suggested he take my spot during sessions while I was healing.  He had been playing for years and loved the sport.  My team immediately took to him, and we all looked forward to me playing like him.  After he left, and I was better, my teammates did not prefer my style of laying bricks.  My dad bought me a basketball hoop so I could practice at home.  Work?  What!  Again?!

One of the better players on the team one time muttered something undermining about my presence when he lost playing time.  He could shoot, but I was punctual.  I pretended not to hear, but in my head I wondered why I can't call him the N word if he was calling me the short A word.  For his attitude, the coaches disciplined the player accordingly.  I mean, I called Jason the N word in elementary when he called me the A word, and the kids were trying to tell on me.  I don't think that was very fair, do you?
- Well, the way I see things--
Hey, what are you doing?  You can't just start talking randomly. Introducing another voice in the middle--this isn't the time.  He was Michael Jordan, and they called me Vlade Divac.  A couple of the teachers said Gary and Jose were the best looking boys in our class, and Jason got angry and muttered it's cause he's black.  I, of course, had my feelings hurt as well.  We were all friends.  Luke was Larry Bird.  I liked Luke.  He had a huge trabopoline in his backyard, I mean, tramopoline.  We got into a fight in class one time; we pushed each other.  Our teacher brought our parents in cause they all knew we were such good friends.  When we made up and I went in to shake his hand, he hugged me.  He was wearing a denim jacket.  Jason's mom got divorced.  He ended up changing his last name.  Jose was the funny one.  He called me Vlade on the court.  He would giggle.  See, like I would be dribbling, slapping the ball to the ground uncontrollably, and he would say Vlade! and he would giggle.  Get it?  Got it?  I'd get nervous and pass the ball.  Sometimes I'd fall for it when a player on the other team asked for the ball.  Gary was my best friend, I later ditched him and was cold to him when I thought he was boring.  I feel like I should add something here.  I'm eating a watermelon.  It tastes like a bitter pill.    Luke's family moved to Boston early on in elementary, probably because he was such a good basketball player and they wanted him to play on the Celtics.

Anyway, about my team, years later I learned not to take much offense when someone makes fun of you for not being good at something your heart isn't really into.  Instead, you build a mountain, of sorts, brick by brick, or create a sea, with trout and other little weird fishes swimming underneath; and it doesn't matter what anyone says, you can create your own world.  Go for it.  You can always come back and sit on your mountain. The dumbest thing you can say to a wrestling fan is that wrestling is fake.

We would play our games on Saturdays in the gyms of middle schools across the city or the town's recreation centers.  One time, I started the scoring off with two consecutive long range jumpers.    That was pretty exciting.  There were flames behind me and my icon was flashing.  I felt like the families on the stands thought I was a player to watch.  I couldn't buy a bucket the rest of the game.  Afterwards we had orange juice and donuts.

To One, Loved

I don't have much to say.  I don't really know if I should.  I don't want to be presumptuous.  I don't even know if you're reading this.  If you are by chance reading this, go ahead and disregard the last line; clearly, that is not the case.  I know I sound humble right now, I'm sure of it.  I'll try not be funny—will you shut up I'm telling her!  This is as much for me as it is for you I think, and I hope you understand.  Maybe more even—if anything, it'll salvage a point.  If anything, it will help.  Sorry I compared you to others, the other girls in your pictures, those on the backend, and my behavior on the backline; sorry for the things I had no right to, and other things I have no right to.  I was offside.  

You're incomparable, you're like the villain in a timeless film.  You make the movie.  And I guess, then, well—but your mother's the hero.  Guess I'm trying too hard to be funny again.  I know I nailed a couple up there, I'm sure of it; I hope you can tell I'm not very comfortable.  I'm working while lining up my defense, I guess.  It's noticeable, isn't it?  Ah, babe, it's all that tactical analysis I've been listening to. 

Where am I going with this?  Am I sabotaging my effort?  Besmirching my own present again?  Am I asking myself too many good looking questions, providing myself a brilliant cross?  Am I behind a pass that'll slice through the defense?  Babe look over there!  Okay, I have changed my tone.  

I was so petty when coach said you should take the penalty kicks; in the locker room I didn't defend you.  I didn't understand what it meant to be teammates; most games I was trying to block your shots.  When you tried to set up a play, I came up behind and pushed you.  You were out for three weeks with a strained calf muscle injury.  It was deplorable.  It was the worst.  When I had the ball, I wouldn't even give out an assist and called you a goal poacher.  What were you to do?  Life's not as simple as strikers and goalies.  Guess I need to accept that if I'm ever going to get out of this contract.  I don't even know if my team can make it to the Intertoto Cup.  

I don't want to change your thoughts anymore, ruin your career with my cleats—I just want you to know I'm sorry for the sad and terrible goals I was on the end of.  I hit you with some brutal headers.  I was the poacher.  Obviously, this was during practice when you had the crazy idea of trying out for keeper.  And if you can remember some of the good goals as well, the ones we made together during qualification...well, then don't think I'm being manipulative hey you're remembering thems on your own.  Hold on...Great, the linesman again.  It's my backline.  These guys can't get it together, babe.  I need to work on that.  You can't go through life resenting a blind ref.  I can't say much more, I'm sorry—the police are after me.  I threw a five dollar bill on the counter and ran off with the cake.  It's worth way more than five dollars.  Thought I'd get a value with a capital V.

I know you want the best for me, I know you want me to have it all.  But I won't.  I'll share it with others.  And together we can stay above the relegation zone.  They don't know the history behind what they're eating.  They don't need to know.  Next time I see someone walk up to take their cake, I'll try to remember that.  I hope you're happy.

Doesn't that last line sound like letting the air out of a little balloon?  You were my balloon.  I used to squeeze you.  Okay, they're here.  I'm going to get out of the car now.  I have a price gun.

bambkaneroffkay em arel ko hamar

I know the date is wrong.