excerpt. from "His Biography"

Nurse Birchannity Ann asked him if there was anything more she could get for him.  He turned his head from the wall and answered, Some more custard.

She reminded him she already brought him two servings—that other patients, too, would also like one.

He gazed beyond her for a moment, finally conceding, then acknowledged her as Birch.  He turned his face back to the wall, and started softly weeping.

That's when I realized, reveals Nurse Birchannity, known to all endearingly as Ann, This dude's a crier.

now for the best soup,

allergic reaction

Vince and Jim (House Show Main Event)

(here)

the promos

- (Mean Gene) Thank you, Jim.  I'm here with Lester Sully who—

- (Lester Sully) Listen, Mean, Gene, Listerine: I have two teeth...woo!  Bottom—woo!  Not no top, not no under the top on the top, vertical...woo!...middle above the bottom—bottom.  Corner, pocket—no...no...woo!  One away from the corner—come away with me to a secret garden, from the sewer to your home...woo!  I...have...two teeth I need to brush again, I'm harshing my tongue—I'm racking leaves, baby, woo! (walking away)

- (Mean Gene) What the hell was that?

~~~~}

- (Mean Gene) Hot off the heels of that slugfest—Now, Khash, you heard what Lester Sully earlier had to say about your upcoming match, if anybody can make something out of it, you can.  What are your thoughts on—

- (EatKhash) You know something, Mean Gene, when I think about Lester, that greasy old goat, Brother, I think about all those bugs in the ground crushed like leaves and all those little fish getting eaten by other fish, and mothers eating their children dinosaurs living with humans and our children disappearing like cities underneath the feet of polar ice caps melting, and I say to myself, Brother, where are the Samoans gonna go?  The Pacific Islander chink babies—little children with little feet—little chink feet, their little chink feet, Mean Gene, and I say to myself...Lester, Lester, you toothless greasy old goat—you see this bald dome?  Lester, what are you gonna do, Lester?  Whacha' gonna do, when Mine and Mean Gene's bald domes run wild into you?

- (Mean Gene) He's off to the ring, Ladies and Gentleman!

~~~~}

House Show Main Event...at 8PM

(you're late...don't tell me the dog show ran too long...)

...- (Jim) This could settle it.  He's gonna give him a headbutt, Vince.  He's gonna ram his bald head into Lester's butt.  This could do it.  But no!  Lester doesn't move, the cow, he doesn't fall over.  Khash looks like a petulant Homer Simpson trying to ram another...head ram—

- (Vince) A cow, Jim.  What a show of force and inertia by Lester Sully, that greasy old goat.  Khash is on the mat, wiping his forehead and complaining to the ref.

- (Jim) Oh he's bickering!  He's bickering, that's what he's doing...

- (Vince) He's on his hands and knees—Oh and what a nasty kick to the face by Lester—

- (Jim) The spineless jellyfish!

- (Vince) Like a footballer at a golf course, and the ref goes down from all the blood splatter...uh...

- (Jim) Blood gushing from Khash's noth and mouse—

- (Vince) His nose did an inverted vertical somersault to God—

- (Jim) Goodness Almighty!  Let Goodness be gracious—

- (Vince) And stood tall against a golden army of the Sun—

- (Jim) And irrationalism, Vince.  It's coming down from a sentimental journey, I'll tell ya.'

- (Vince) It was the blood, Jim; it landed on Earl Hebner's face and now he can't see—he can't see!

- (Jim) No, Vince, I believe I saw a tooth haul ass from Khash's mouth and landed in the referee's eye.

- (Vince) Fuck you!

- (Jim) Now he's unconscious, Vince.

- (Vince) No, fuck you, Jim.

- (Jim) It caught him in the eye, it did.

- (Vince) I'm in charge!  Who's in charge here?  Me or you?

- (Jim) Here goes Lester again with another punt...and he slips on his own grease!

- (Vince) This is unbelievable, folks, he slips from the grease...from his very own—

- (Jim) Some of his hair gel must have plopped on the mat, Vince.

- (Vince) No, Some of it landed on your face and gave you some style, Jim.

- (Jim) Well, I don't know about that.

- (Vince) Of course you don't!  

- (entrance music) 

- (Vince) Wait a minute...

- (Jim) What's that music?

- (Vince) Uh-oh!  It could only mean one thing—

- (Jim) It's the Ultimate Warrior!

- (Vince) Will you shut up I was gonna say that!

- (Jim) Here he comes! He's running to the ring.

- (Vince) Who's he gonna help?

- (Jim) The ref's out cold.  Khash barely crawling to pick through Earl's pocket.

- (Vince) Here comes Lester—

- (Jim) Oh, they're bickering—they're bickering over Earl's cell phone.  What a filthy show of—

- (Vince, aside) He better not go through those photos.  

- (Jim) Looks like Lester's accusing Khash of wanting the phone for playtime, which is a fair assumption—

- (Vince, aside) Oh, I gave them both some speed in the back.

- (Jim, aside) You what?

- (Vince, aside) Before the promos—Oh don't get all high and mighty with me.

- (Jim, aside) The guy's gonna be jackin' it all over the place come backstage!

- (Vince) And Warrior's running around the ring—He's shaking the ropes.

- (Jim) He's back down, again, running around the ring...again...

- (Vince, aside) What's this nut up to now?

- (Jim) And he's running towards backstage!

- (Vince) That's it!  This is the last contract—I've had with this lunatic.

- (Jim) He's a loose canon.

- (Vince) I'll show him renegate.  I'm outta here, I'm...(distant verbal spewing) ...Fire his ass!  I'm gonna sue the...the...fuckface!...out of that painted...

- (Jim) Vince has taken off his headset, folks.  I apologize for the—What's this?  It's Today!  Today!  By God—He must have been hiding under the blog the whole time!  Uh-oh, he's got a steel chair.  The chair lounges back and Lester's not aware.  He can't see.  He can't see behind him, folks—Right to the back of the head and there's pomade all over the place.  What a spectacle!  The referee, checking his pockets; Khash taking his hand out of his pocket.  Khash rolls him over, 1...2...and 3!  Oh that does it, by golly.  He's got his blog back!

~~~~}

backstage

- (Mean Gene) I'm here with EatKhash and Today, who have reclaimed, in the ground!  Khash, Khash—What are you going to do now that—

- (Today) We're going to a hookah bar!

quartz

videotapes and pay-per-view

My favorite thing to do in the world was to play with my wrestlers in my closet, or sometimes in our living room for special events.  I made up the story-lines and kept accurate history books.  It was really a binder.  Sometimes I used two rings during my own pay-pay-view events, and the living room gave me more space for the ring entrances.  Sometimes I would keep the closet door open in case an uncensored brawl went from the ring to backstage or into the clothes; I'd close the closet door for the atmosphere of house shows.

My favorite place in the world was the videotape rental store two blocks up from our townhouse.  Once a week, I would walk up to the store with my grandpa, and I could rent one wrestling pay-per-view tape; sometimes, my dad would take me.  I liked to go with my grandpa, because my dad would always rush me; even when he thought he was being patient, he would hover over me, and I couldn't do my research properly.  My grandpa would call Hulk Hogan, "Superstar," because of the WWF Superstars ice cream sandwich I would always pick out from the ice cream cart. One of our relatives drove an ice cream truck; he stayed with us when he was new to the country.  One day, he tried to run my dad over with his ice cream truck.  My mom called 911 as we watched from our balcony.  The ice cream truck was really a van.  My grandpa didn't know English, and would say the sound of the word, "Superstar," with the emphasis on the first r.  He was a little taller than me, but a lot shorter than my dad.  When my grandpa would come home from work, he would wrestle with me, and we would roll around on the carpet floor in our living room between the table and our TV.  My dad made me go to Tae Kwon Do.  Class was sometime early in the evening and wrestling was at 8 P.M. 

When the program would advertise their house shows' date and time—where Hogan was finally going to take on Ric Flair—I would tell my family and we would turn to the program channel, and instead it would be, Murder, She Wrote, and I would start crying.  My parents would search through the channels while I would sit there and sulk.  I hated her and her stupid typewriter.  I didn't understand what a house show was.  I caught up with the story-lines by watching the videotapes of pay-per-view events that took place before we moved to this country.  I saw the Ultimate Warrior beat Hulk Hogan at WrestleMania 7, and he was my favorite wrestler.  I was fascinated by him because he was so mythical; but really, it was his look and intensity.  His face was always brilliantly painted, and when he ran to the ring and shook the ropes, the beads wrapped around his arms would swing.  

I watched WrestleMania 8 scrambled on my TV.  I could make out some of the commentary—sometimes, I would see a foot or a maneuver, but couldn't tell who was winning.  I was really excited when the Ultimate Warrior came out at the end to save Hogan from Sid Justice and Papa Shango.  Then he disappeared again later in the year.  Bret Hart became my favorite wrestler.  And later during WrestleMania 10, when I heard Vince or Jim say Bret Hart had won the title on the scrambled pay-per-view channel, I was jumping around, but I couldn't make out how he managed to pin Yokozuna.

In the side of the video store, there was a secluded corner section with an, "Adults Only," sign that covered up pictures of naked men and women.  I was always thinking about that section.  Something about its presence scared me and I was always aware of that section when I went to get my wrestling tapes.  My sister and I always had to close our eyes if there was a sex scene in a movie and my dad would start yelling at America if one went on for too long while we were watching TV.

One time, my cousin was staying with me from San Francisco.  I always loved when we would visit his family, so I could hang out with him.  I loved more when I knew they were coming, because we could hang out and watch wrestling and I could take him to the video store with me.  One time when they were visiting for the weekend, at the end of the evening, they told me that he was going to spend the night with another one of his cousins and I was really dejected; they were going to have fun together and I was crying.  I think my parents got mad at him because I was so excited thinking he was going to stay with me, and they saw how sad I was.  

One time when my cousin was staying with me, we walked up to the video store and as I walked towards my wrestling aisle,  I saw him walk into the "Adults Only" section, and a few moments later an Asian man walked in to escort him out.  I was very eager and asked him why he walked in, and he said he didn't even notice it was the porno section until he walked in.  I know he had time to see the naked men and women having sex before he was kicked out.  It didn't seem to faze him and he just brushed it off. 

I was staying with his family during WrestleMania 12—they had moved down near San Jose by this time—and when I got there I asked him who he wanted to win, Shawn Michaels or Bret Hart?  He said, "Bret Hart, I guess."  I pushed him back because I had become more of an HBK fan for awhile there, and he seemed irritated that I was aggressive with him.  He was more of a basketball player than a wrestling fan.

One time we had a different kind of cable, and the Spice channel was also on our TV.  I would watch it scrambled when my parents were asleep—sometimes, I could see a foot or a maneuver.  The sound was just a buzzing, and when I could see a woman's face or figure in the bathtub, in the colored waves, she looked more like some alien cartoon freak zombie with dark or white robotic laser beam eyes, and the jumbled tones made her skin look artificial.  More, the tone of her eyes and skin always contrasted to the extreme.  One day I came home and there was some Armenian guy I didn't know messing around with our TV, and then we had more movie channels, and Ch. 99 required a four digit code.  I came down one night while my parents were asleep, and pressed 0000, and the naked woman came alive on my TV.  Some man started fucking her.

dried mulberries

Check out the curtains, remind you of anything?

I'm a black belt in Tae Kwon Do, you know.  When I was a kid, my dad made me go, for years.  I always had diarrhea before class.  During my final test, I couldn't break the double wood with a flying kick over some bloke kneeling over some other bloke, but I still passed.  He knew I didn't like it, but I was always afraid to tell him I hated it.  He refused to let me quit.  I broke my arm in there when I was eight and I still had to go back. They put steel plates in my arm and I thought I was going to be like Lex Lugar and be able to knock people out with his finishing move. I loved being in the hospital because my parents would bring me Chinese food.  Edward James Olmos came to visit me and the kids in the hospital; we took a picture together, and he gave my dad an autograph.  I was still wondering, Who the hell is Edward James Almost?

I never practiced.  It was boring.  I would splash water on my face, neck, and uniform at home when I was supposed to be practicing to fool him.  He would pick me up to take me to class during work, and I would sneak back home and climb up into our balcony and hide there. One time, he saw I wasn't in class and he came home and caught me hiding in the balcony.  I also broke my foot in there.  I've never had time to use any kicks in a real fight.  

I moved up different colors; I would always hide my belt when I walked to class past the Mexican kids down the street because they would make fun of me.  But I still had to wear my uniform, and I would stuff my purple belt down my trousers.  They all lived in the same courtyard in the poorer part of the street.  In their group was a tough girl.  I had a crush on her.  She would make fun of me, too.  She was real cute, and tall.  She still is, cute I mean, when I think about seeing her.  She had that curly hair full of hairspray and the tight jeans chola girls wear when they go to the mall to take those portraits in the blue clouds.  I was afraid of her.  One time she said she was going to kick my ass.

The best part about karate class was towards the end of class, when I knew there was only a couple, maybe five minutes left, and it wasn't so bad today.  If I wasn't so busy dreading class before even going... One time, our teacher told us he was going to be on Jay Leno that night.  His name was Ivan, but he was black.  So I stayed up watching Leno and he never interviewed my teacher.  I didn't realize he meant he was at Citywalk and the camera crew filmed him doing a spinning back kick by the fountains and they decided to include that footage in the opening credits montage.  I had two days anxiety-free before—well, before having to take another shit before class.  

Some of the kids told me my rival, Zorro—that was his name—had called me soft.  He was right.  He was husky, but like, built.  His dad was old and short and bald and serious.  His dad would often watch him in class.  My dad was always busy working, thank god.  I didn't like seeing Zorro's dad; he was so serious and boring.  Maybe calling me soft was his dad's observation.  I mean, what hell is tae kwon do?  I couldn't even do the splits or somersaults.  I saw these Asian kids in a tournament flying around the Civic Center.  Now those were black belts.

I went to a tournament with my dad and I couldn't win the last match for a gold medal in my group; this kid kept running at me with nonstop punches the whole time and I couldn't even push him away.  During the break, I kept apologizing to my dad because I knew I couldn't win and I know that makes him feel really bad.  But then this other time, I went with a group to a tournament and I could only place third for something, but I had fun that day, and when I came home the crazy bastard threw my bronze medal out the balcony. 

In one of the tournament matches, in between rounds, I heard the father of my opponent trying to psych his son up by convincing him that I was a girl.  I wanted to turn around to him, because I could understand the language, and say, Hey, I'm not a girl! My dad wasn't there for that one, although I wish he was; that would have been quite the scene.  After I broke my foot the second time, and we had moved, and I was older and listening to Nirvana, I didn't have to go anymore, and we stopped talking about it.

having to go to karate, boo!